By Bond18 on December 28th, 2008 (more posts by author)

I wake up at around 1pm on Christmas “morning”. It looks about 30 degrees Celsius outside and I go for a run in the heat. When I get back I call Alex and ask him for directions to his house for the BBQ. I assure him I’ll bring the Afghan white rhino blend my friend has hooked me up with for coaching him at poker.

I arrive at the house and we start cranking down beers while watching the end of a bowl game that Hawaii got crushed in. There are only three of us for the moment and we roll up the Afghan in a fat paper then head outside to begin the holiday festivities. I estimate that it is 2:30. The Afghan is incredibly powerful and the three of us are coughing like beginners. I scramble inside in search of water but am elated when I instead find beer.

As the afternoon continues more and more guys show up which results in more and more blunts being rolled (naturally.) At some point we make lunch but the grill isn’t working and there are no buns for the hamburgers. Instead, we eat them with a knife and fork on a plate. I continue to drink a variety of beers.

At around 6pm I find my way to the sofa. Despite being in a room with blaring Kanye West, a large TV on, and several people talking loudly I fall asleep peacefully on the couch and remain totally undisturbed.

When I wake up it is pitch black outside and everyone is sitting around the table about to eat. At some point during my slumber Alex has logged onto my facebook and written “Tony is stroking his moist vagina” (though I will not be aware of it for another 24 hours.)

After dinner we’re all standing around outside and local poker player slash self aware worlds most degenerate bankroll management extraordinaire Kaz suggests we should order strippers. One of Alex’s friends leaps on the idea and a phone book is brought out. The friend dials the number and requests two attractive girls
”No! No! Nooooooo! Dude don’t” Alex begs.
“Yea make sure they’re attractive.”
”No dude, stop this. I don’t want them here.”
I’m against the wall laughing “Man this is so degenerate” I say.
“No dude, I don’t want them here. No!”
”How much will it be for 90 minutes? $1200?”
”Yea that’s fine” says Kaz.
“Okay sure send them to…”
”NO! Aw man no I don’t want fuckin strippers over here!”
”It’ll be fine” Kaz reassures him.
“Okay send them to XX XXXXXX st.”
He hangs up the phone with a smirk. Alex continues to protest. I tell Kaz he’s my “favorite degen ever.” Kaz appears to be quite drunk and is slurring heavily.

At some point Alex manages to call them back and cancel the strippers. Kaz tries to convince people we should just go out to a strip club instead. I decline and go home and fall asleep very early.

The next day is Friday which I now always take off out of principal. I drive into the city and take advantage of the Boxing Day sales at Zegna. I find a sweet ass gray pinstripe suit and buy myself a Christmas present. When I go home that night I call the girl I’m seeing to ask her what she’s doing. She says we should hang out and maybe go out. She comes by at 1am and we head out into the city to meet some friends. We wind up at ‘Loft’, the first white people club I’ve been to in about two weeks. Everyone starts smashing down shots and vodka red bull. I get to see a girl punch another girl in the face on the dance floor (fucking awesome!) I later ask the girl who got jabbed “Why’d that other chick punch you in the face?” and she just shrugs at me. Not every day you see girls throwing right hooks.

Everyone starts really draining down the drinks but because I mostly stick to beer I’m considerably more in control. On the dance floor my date encounters the classic ‘club douche’ who comes on to her, gets rejected, then stands there for another 10 minutes trying any other attempt at game he can think of while literally getting a middle finger in the face. Eventually I tell her “Let me do you a favor” then throw my arms around her and we start making out while standing right next to him. Eat it stereotypical club douche.

By 4am the whole party I’m with is extremely hammered. I’d started on waters about an hour ago and feel okay. At 4:30 I tell them I’m going and I stand out and wait for a cab. My date chats with the driver the whole ride home, often asking him the same question multiple times. She sways back and forth and I’m worried she’ll vomit. I have the cabby stop a block short so in the event of vomiting I can direct it away from myself. Luckily, the fresh air seems to improve her composure. When we get inside I try to keep her up and force her to drink water. I get to bed around 6am.